My big sister can do a lot of things better than me.
She can swim all the way across the swimming pool. I still need to grab mom when I need to breathe.
My sister can read words with more than 3 letters in them. So when mom gets home late from work, my sister can read herself to sleep. I have to sing.
And when she draws a dog, people know if it’s a German Shepherd or a Labrador or a poodle. When I try to draw a dog, people ask if it’s an animal or a hotdog with marshmallows.
But you know what else my big sister can do? She can see dragons.
It’s true. Yesterday, when she came home from school and I was playing with my doll, she suddenly said “Shhh! Don’t move. There’s a baby dragon behind you.”
I turned my head but I saw nothing. I said, “Where? “
“You can’t see them. You need a Dragon Eye in order to see dragons.” she said.
“DragonS? You mean there are more?”
“Of course!” answered my sister. “There’s a whole world of dragons next to our world, but if you’re a dragon tamer, you can bring them over to our side. But they’ll have to go home before bedtime.”
“Can you teach me?” I said.
She told me to half-close my eyes and sort of roll up my eyeballs. She said I have to do it ‘til things start to look fuzzy.
So I squinted a little and I tried to move up my eyeballs. But they started to hurt, so I opened my eyes.
“Nothing’s happening”, I said.
“Do what you do when we pretend to be asleep when Dad comes home”, she said. So I opened my mouth, half-closed my eyelids, and let my eyes roll up. And I saw a white blur move just behind my sister.
“I saw it! I think..” I cried. “Is it white?”
“This baby one is”, said my sister. “But when they’re all here, there are blue ones, orange ones...even a rainbow colored one.”
She said that maybe I could practice so I could tame the pink one. Pink is my favorite color.
I’d like that. But I wish I could see the white one better. It was still kind of blurry, even when I crossed my eyes really hard and saw double of everything.
My sister said we could have a dragon party. She would invite the others over and we could serve chocolate crinkle cookies since they’re the favorite food of dragons. She said crinkles taste like brimstone, which is what they chew on to make fire come out of their noses.
So we laid out plates and cups and my stuffed lizard toy. I thought the dragons would like to meet one of their cousins.
It was a lot of fun. My sister pointed out the purple mommy dragon who had 23 little babies hanging on to her. And the slimy green one who liked to live in mushy swamps. And the grumpy old grey grandfather dragon with no more teeth, so you didn’t have to be scared of him.
Just one teeny-tiny problem. I still couldn’t see anything. But I really wanted to join the party. And I didn’t want my sister to stop inviting me.
Today, she said we could have the dragons over for a sleepover. Mrs. Purple came, with her 23 babies, all in purple pajamas covered with sleeping clouds. A silver teenager dragon also came. He’s supposed to be the one who can do spirals while flying.
But I still can’t see them.
Then my sister said something that got me worried.
“We need to be careful though. If you can see dragons, you can also see goblins. And sometimes, when you call the dragons, the goblins come too.”
Goblins? Gulp.
My sister spread Mom’s big fluffy quilt on the floor beside us, and I helped her bring all the cushions from the living room. (Dad will be mad when he tries to watch TV, but we’ll be asleep by then).
She waved her arms in the air like a conductor, then pointed to the pillows. “There, I told them to all go to sleep now.” she said.
I did the thing with my eyeballs again and looked at the floor. I still couldn’t see anything.
The phone rang. It was Mom. She’s stuck at the office...again. She told us to go to bed.
“Goodnight Mrs. Purple. Goodnight little ones. Goodnight Grumpy”, said my sister. “Goodnight, little sister.” Then she turned on her side and fell asleep.
That’s another thing my big sister does better than me. She can fall asleep as soon as she puts the blanket over her head.
I’m not sleepy. I’m thinking about goblins. What if they got into our world together with the dragons? Do goblins eat little kids? Can I wake up the dragons to fight the goblins if I can’t see them?
Wait! If I can’t see the dragons, I won’t be able to see the goblins either! Does that mean I’m safe?
But wait again! What if the goblins attack my sister because she can see them?
I shake her awake. Which is really hard to do, because as Dad says, my sister can sleep through an earthquake. So I sit on her tummy and yell really loudly into her ear.
“Gaaaaby! Wake uuuuup!”
My sister opened one eye.
“The goblins! They might come for you!” I cried. “They can’t attack me because I can’t see them. You said that you can only see goblins if you can see dragons. Well, I can’t see dragons really. I tried, but I can’t. I lied! So the goblins can only attack you!”
You know what she said?
“I can’t see dragons either. I just made them up”, she said as she closed her eye again. From under the blanket, I heard her add, “Dummy.”
I can’t believe it. We’re just the same. My big sister can’t see dragons either. I don’t have to lie anymore.
And maybe my big sister’s not much more special than me after all. Maybe I’ll be able to swim across the pool too when I’m six.
But maybe I should keep Dad’s shoe beside me. In case the goblins do come.
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Kelly Sonnack's comments:
This was my favorite manuscript, because it highlights a very true feeling and experience that children have. I remember the days when I would make my younger sister “chocolate cake” in the backyard. When I would hand her a plateful of mud and twigs, the disappointment and confusion in my sister’s blue eyes was unmistakable. This relationship between siblings, and the difference in imagination is a brilliant topic for a children’s story.
One of the other things I really enjoyed about this manuscript was its honesty. The first line immediately brings you in to the child narrator’s head. She is immediately likeable and you’re interested to read more.
I like that Rocky Tirona follows the first sentence with several examples. These provide good illustration possibilities. However, I am cautious about the line, “My sister can read words with more than 3 letters in them.” Since the little sister is our narrator, this is the character with whom our reader will identify. For picture books, the readership should be reading more than 3-letter words. You don’t want the child reader to think they’re reading “a baby book”. I would suggest using a different example instead of this one, so you don’t alienate your reader.
Once the story gets moving, I worry that the author may be trying to do a bit too much. There’s a lot happening, and I think the story would benefit from being focused down. In the description, for example, of how to “see” dragons, I would try to keep the text as simple and concise as possible. Say everything in as few words as possible to keep the text punchy and moving along swiftly.
I’d like to see the older sister have a little bit of attitude. If she’s imagining that she sees the dragons, and her little sister isn’t playing along, might she be frustrated? I’d like to see some of her personality shine through in the dialogue the author is giving her.
The dragon sleepover portion of the story could definitely be shortened and made tighter. What is most important about this event within the story? What should the reader be taking from this part of the story? Keep the reader focused on what you want them to be focused on, and don’t distract them with too many unnecessary details (for example, why is it important that Mom is stuck at the office again?).
I wonder about introducing the goblins to the story. I like that there’s more than meets the eye, to their imaginings, and this game they’re playing. But, again, you want to keep the reader on a focused path and I think this is distracting. Maybe there are mean dragons that sometimes come to our world as well? Ones that eat kids?
Finally, I think the ending of the story could be strengthened, so that it leaves the reader on a more positive note. Simply having the sister confess that she made the dragons up, and then having her call her sister “Dummy” is sort of a disheartening way to end things. I do like that the younger sister realizes she’ll be good at things when she grows up, but I’m not sure that the ending event proves this to the reader. Why does the fact that her sister lies to her and can’t see dragons mean that they’re just the same? She still can’t swim all the way across the pool, etc. I think the ending needs to be cleaned up, but I think this story has a lot of potential.
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